A Love Letter To My Younger Self

Originally Posted: February 2019

Being in your 20s is hard. Arguably, harder than being in your teens. You’re still filled with all that angst, but now you’re technically an adult and you’re supposed to know what to do and have it all together…but you don’t.

I’m constantly unsure of myself and what I should do, I have so many doubts and insecurities, and they tend to flare up around holidays like Valentine’s Day where I feel like my life should look a certain way and it doesn’t.

This Valentine’s day I got some advice from women in their 40s, 50s, and 60s that have been in my shoes, understand how I feel, and have learned many lessons along the way. Self love is the most important love, it’s a requirement before we can even think about romantic love. So this Valentine’s Day, love yourself and give yourself some grace.

It’s with great pride that I can share with you: The Love Letter Series

Dear Teen Angela,

I know you are feeling quite confused right about now.  You are all over the place with your emotions because so much has come at you all at once.  Your parents have separated, leaving you without much direction as you enter high school.  You have spent the last few years “living with friends”.  Thank goodness, you have been able to have the support you need to at least get back and forth to school.  I know it must be difficult to concentrate on your studies and keep a positive attitude while worrying about money, clothes, and basic necessities. 

I noticed that you haven’t attended any of the meetings for your after school activities lately.  Have you decided to stop participating?  I see you walking with your head down and avoiding contact with people.  Are you feeling depressed?  It seems like any time you are encountered with a situation where you need to be front and center, you shy away.  It’s almost as if you are gripped with fear about what people will say or think.  Remember when you said you wanted to be part of the Drama Club?  I thought you wanted to perform on stage.  What about the Pep Club you expressed interest in joining?  What happened to trying out for the volleyball team?  Those are all things that you said you really enjoyed.  I think you would have been great at any of them.  It is too bad you never pursued those aspirations; those experiences could have been very beneficial to boosting your self-esteem.  I do understand, however; that you have experienced a lot throughout your life that makes you feel like you cannot be the person you want to be.  It’s hard having a weakness that displays itself outwardly.  I’ve always felt like those who struggle with their weight got a bad deal.  Food addicts are the only people who have an addiction that everyone can see with just a momentary glance.

Well, without harping on the negative, I would like to take a moment to remind you of a few things.  Not only are you naturally smart; you are beautiful, kind, funny and generous.  You have a way of accepting people as they are, which draws people to your company.  You don’t even see how many people love spending time with you and find you to be a great person.  They come to you and want to get to know you but you always shut them out before you all get too close.  I want you to open your mind to the idea that you are not quite as bad as you think.  I certainly realize that can be a difficult concept to understand considering you have not been told that very often. 

I want you to try starting a journal.  Write your emotions down and think about the lessons you can take from your daily experiences.  Consider how much time you have had alone with your thoughts and emotions and what it really means to you.  Think about how you can use your negative experiences to make a positive impact on someone else.  One encouraging aspect of hardship is that it allows you to see every situation from a more sensitive perspective.  You aren’t so quick to judge people or make them s feel bad.  You become the first person to speak up in defense of others.  You befriend people who seem like outcasts or underdogs.  I know from experience that the joy you feel from making someone else smile is an intrinsic reward that is almost beyond measure.

Lastly, but certainly not least, think about the little lives you may someday bring into this world.  Think about how you only want to breathe life, positivity, growth, and excitement into their existence.  When they eventually get to the point where they feel like the world is against them (and trust me, they will); I want you to be the one who remains in their corner no matter the situation.  Be available for them, emotionally and physically.  Sacrifice for them, for you only have a short window of time to make a lifetime impact.  Use the demands of parenthood to propel you and motivate you to push yourself harder than you ever have.  In addition, take that same mindset and apply it to your relationship with your spouse.  If you heed this advice, I am confident that you will paint a future for yourself that will certainly outshine any sadness, despair, or negativity that will eventually lie far behind you.

Angela, you can only control the controllable.  Everything else is a tool for you to use to benefit yourself, your loved ones, your friends, or even a complete stranger.  Stay focused and continue to shine.

With Much Love,

Angela 41

Good Morning, Self.

As I get mentally prepared to start my day, I realize that some days (days like today), it is a challenge just to get out of bed. 

Life as a sixteen year-old is tough! Dealing with the stresses of high school (grades, graduation, college, etc.) is too much to handle at times.  Then there’s peer pressure.  I am so tired cliques and of trying to figure out where I fit in. I refuse to be told whom I should befriend.  I refuse to be told that I need to drink, smoke, or do drugs in order to be popular.  I refuse to believe that I need a boyfriend to complete me. I refuse to believe that everyone is having sex, and that I “just need to loosen up”.   

At times, I suffer from the “woe is me” blues, but I know I cannot stay in that dark space.  Instead, I’ll choose to focus on positive things and what I love about ME.  I am a kind, caring and intelligent person who is capable of succeeding. 

I am choosing to make school my highest priority.  Each day, I will take control of my emotions, decisions and actions.  I will not let anyone “plug” into me and bring me down. I will not worry about what others think about me or make time for anyone or anything that does not have my best interest at heart. 

Having a positive attitude and focusing on my goals will help me to achieve success.   I know I can do it!  I got this!

I am glad that I spent this time alone.  The quiet time gave me an opportunity to see all of the positive things in my life. 

Today is going to be a great day! 

Dee, 57

WHAT I’VE LEARNED IN MY LIFE THUS FAR—FIFTY-ISH AND FABULOUS

I have learned many things in life.  There are things that I wish I had known when I was in high school, college, starting my first job, etc.  I will share of few of those things with you.

On Goals . . .

I never had a timeline or playbook of when things should happen in my life:

·       I need to have my dream job by . . .

·       Engaged by . . .

·       Married by . . .

·       Purchase first home by . . .

·       Children by . . .

·       Etc.

Goal setting is important, but make sure these goals are realistic and flexible—do not box yourself in, as this might set you up for disappointment.  Sometimes it may be necessary to adjust, readjust or even reevaluate your goals, and that is okay.  Always remember to pray before you make any decision.

On Regrets . . .

I do not have many regrets about the choices I have made in my life.  However, the few regrets I do have have had far-reaching consequences.  For example, I always thought that managing your finances at an early age was a cliche. I just lived in the now, and bought whatever I wanted when I wanted. I now know how important financial planning is.  Financial freedom gives you peace of mind, and opens up many more opportunities (e.g., early retirement, traveling, dream home, helping your family, etc.).

 I regret that I did not spend more time on figuring out what I wanted to do in life from a career standpoint and determining my passion.  I wish I had taken more time to focus on my career vs. having a job.  I now realize that a career is something you love to do, and a job is something that you have to do.  This has been very eye opening for me.   

Another regret is that I have never been overly social—never felt compelled to interact with a bunch of people just to get to know them. I had my close circle of friends, and I thought that was enough. I wish I would have understood the importance of networking.  I now see it is imperative that you know the right people.  However, that does not mean sacrificing who you are.  Access to the right network of people opens doors that you would not otherwise be allowed to enter—it does make a difference.  I should have stepped out of my comfort zone more.

On Friendships . . .

My friends are few, but that is by choice.  I don’t take friendship lightly.  It takes a lot to get into my inner circle.  Sure, I may go to a movie, lunch, party, etc. with you. However, I do not consider everyone my friend—I have many associates.  Friendships are fostered and developed, and not just something one claims.

There are people that come into your life for a season or several seasons, and that is okay.  You have to know when that season is over, and move on.  Never let anyone make you second-guess your beliefs or who you are.  Haters will be haters, and they may even be someone that you thought was a “bestie.” 

On Romantic Relationships . . .

I do not know if my situation is unique or not, but I have been in a “grown up” relationship since I was 19.  It was not something that I planned, it just happened naturally. I did not go to college with the goal of finding a relationship or my forever love. In fact, I was excited to graduate from high school and go off to college to get away from a person I was dating because he had no aspirations, and was just excess baggage.  Getting an education had always been a high priority in my life.

I know God created my husband just for me.  He believes in God, and that is important to me.  We have a lot of the same values and beliefs.  We are what one terms “old souls.” My husband is my best friend, and has been since I was 19 years old.  We have had our difficulties, but the ups far outweigh the downs.  Things are not always 50/50.  You have to work at marriage every day, and that is what we do.  I may not always like him, but I love him more each day.

I am delighted every time I think about him, see him, or I hear his voice.  I love how he checks up on me when he knows I am having a bad day or not feeling well.  What I love most about our relationship, however, is that he has never tried to change me.  He accepts me--flaws and all.  He supports and encourages me in everything I do.  When I get my little attitudes, he helps me see the light.  He makes me think about my actions.  He complements me and brings out the best in me.  He embraces my independence.  If he hadn’t there wouldn’t be an ”us.”  He believes in me when I do not believe in myself.

I found my soul mate early in life.    I know that God has a purpose for all of us.  We need to be patient and wait on him.  Do not let anyone dictate whom you should be, whom you should be with, where you should be in your life, etc.  I know I am truly blessed. 

On Life in General . . .

I have learned that you have to believe in, be happy with, and love yourself first.  You cannot worry about what the next person is doing.  If you find happiness with yourself, so many things become clear.  You do not need anyone to complete you.

I have discovered through this point in my life that family, love and friendships are precious and should not be taken for granted.  It is my belief that you cannot be in any meaningful relationship, whether it is a friendship or a romantic relationship, until you love yourself first.

I love who I am.  I love the fact that I am extremely independent and unique. I have strong beliefs and morals, so I have never felt compelled to fit in.  Now, I do not want to give the impression that I have it all figured out, because I do not.  I make a conscious decision every day to be the best person that I can be.

I will never give up on my hopes and dreams.  I also realize that no matter how much you think you know there is always opportunity for growth and change.  Challenges will come and go—they are good for you.  How you handle challenges defines who you are. Know that God has a purpose for all of us.  You just need to be ready to face the challenges to get to the purpose.

No one ever promised life would be easy.

Love Letter to my 25 year-old self

Hello,

What an exciting time of life.  You have graduated college.  You have experience for your resume as a substitute teacher.  Too bad teaching didn’t work out for you.  Perhaps if your first teaching experiences had not been in one of the worst middle schools of Detroit, you would have followed in the footsteps of your aunt and cousins and continued with teaching.  Oh well, you started a career with Chrysler Corporation.  That career path had a rocky start, what with lay-offs in the auto industry.  One of your lay-offs afforded you the opportunity to work as a legal secretary, and although you won’t remember any of the people you met, the experiences helped mold you into the woman you will become.

For a time, you worked a second job.  My advice to you is to SAVE at least half of the money from your second job.  I know it’s fun to shop, but you will be better off in the future if you save towards it now.

Some things you need to know about relationships:

Men will tell you what they think you want to hear to get what they want from you – sex.  You don’t need anyone to tell you you’re pretty, etc.  You are smart – so use your brain.  Anyone, man or woman, who respects you will respect your boundaries.  You should love yourself.  Of course, there are always things we want to change about ourselves, but know that you are fine just as you are.  Learn to be alone and be alright with that.

When you meet a man you think you love, be sure he is a Christian, that he has similar values, that he has goals, that he likes your friends and family, that he treats you like the Queen you are.

Life passes so quickly.  Enjoy the times of your life.  Cherish your friends.  Attend funerals of friends and family.  Save your money, but not all of it.  Spend some of it traveling and doing things you enjoy.

God made you and you are perfect just as you are.  Love yourself.

See you in 43 plus years!

 Annie, 68

Every time I read these letters I cry a little bit, because these are all things I desperately needed to hear. It’s okay to be alone, it’s okay to not put a timetable on your life, it’s okay to make your own decisions and to be independent. It’s okay to do more of what you love. Travel. Shop. Have fun. But also save. Network. Form meaningful relationships. Love yourself.

I hope that on Valentine’s Day you found some wisdom in the lives and lessons of these women, and you’ll use their advice to love yourself a little more and a little deeper.

I love you!