Where the Wild Things Are: Trusting God in the Wilderness

Originally posted: August 2021

So, today I’m 30. I didn’t think I was going to write this blog. I honestly wasn’t sure I was going to write again. But this last year of my life, has honestly been the most difficult year of my life, and that’s saying a LOT because I experienced a ton of trauma and loss in my 20s. But I know that God doesn’t waste any pain, and I promised him that when I make it through this wilderness season, I would share my journey with others. It’s taking a lot for me to share this, but I believe that vulnerability is strength and one of my goal’s for 30 is to feel the fear, but act anyway. I want anyone that’s going through a season where it seems like everything is going wrong and you feel alone to know that you’re not alone. And God will bring you through the wilderness and into the promise land. As I’m writing this though, I am still in the wilderness, but I feel the shift happening and I believe that my breakthrough is coming.

Let’s start at the beginning.- TW/Suicide

2020 was a really rough year for everyone. The isolation, the sickness, the loss. It took a toll on all of us. But I felt somewhat protected through 2020. My mental health was in a good place, I was killing it in my career, and I had a beautiful relationship, so everything in my world felt okay. I went into 2021 SO excited to see all of my plans come to fruition. I was going to get promoted at work and move in with my boyfriend and I was going to get all of the things I been hoping and praying for. Except…that’s the problem. I had painted the perfect picture of what I wanted my life to look like and I felt like I was about to step into the life I had always dreamed of, but God wanted me to surrender the canvas so HE could paint a different picture.

2 weeks into the new year, depression knocked on my door. It was the anniversary of my dad’s passing, I was in isolation, and I felt the heaviest weight of sadness, darkness, and loneliness descend upon me. All of a sudden I kept getting these intrusive thoughts that told me I was a burden, people’s lives would be better without me in it, I was a waste of space and no one would miss me. I didn’t know why or where these voices were coming from, but they felt so real. I cried and cried and cried and I begged to God to help me. But the more I prayed, the heavier the weight felt. Suddenly I didn’t want to live. Why was this happening?! I had a beautiful life. Why am I suddenly wanting to throw it all away? I only confided in one person what was happening with me because I was so afraid and embarrassed. They helped me through it, but then I was afraid to be on my own again because I was afraid those thoughts would come back.

Over the next couple months, my intrusive thoughts, anxiety, and depression became worse and worse. I needed help, but I didn’t know where to start. I kept praying and praying but the attacks on my mind got stronger and stronger. One day it got so overwhelming, I called a suicide hotline for help. That’s when I truly realized that I wasn’t okay. I wanted to confide in someone, but I was already going through so much, I was worried that if I couldn’t be perfect, the people in my life wouldn’t find me worthy and would abandon me. I tried to reach out to a couple friends, but they blew me off and it fed the lies in my head telling me that no one cares, no one can help, no one would miss me. When people came to visit me I had a break from my depression, I was able to hide it for a little while and have a sense of normalcy. But as soon as I was alone again, it felt like my depression progressed further and further. I was terrified to be by myself, but I was even more afraid to tell anyone what was going on with me because I didn’t want to scare them away. Dealing with my depression in isolation seemed to give depression a stronghold over me. Aside from my depression, I was short staffed at work and doing multiple roles, my car kept breaking down and I had to spend thousands to fix it, and I was simultaneously being harassed by a former mentor. My world was crashing and I felt like such a failure, I felt ashamed, and I felt like a huge burden.

Feeling like a burden led to me bottling all of my pain inside so that I could still appear like I had it all together, while also pushing away the people I loved most, and it fed into my fears that if they saw what was really going on with me…they’d leave. I honestly felt crazy. I couldn’t be the loving and gentle and kind person that I normally was to the people in my life, and my depression was changing me. Suddenly I wasn’t as caring or understanding to my loved ones, because I could no longer care for myself. Every day felt like a fight for my life and it was hard focusing on anything else besides trying to stay alive. My relationships deteriorated. I detached from my friends and I lost the love of my life. And I blamed myself. If I had been able to cope better or I had gotten help sooner, I felt like I wouldn’t have lost so much. But you know the saying, when it rains it pours. My job was putting more and more pressure on me and my car was on its last leg. One day it broke down on the freeway and a guy came up to my car and ROBBED ME. I was traumatized. That was my breaking point (although I was already pretty broken). I told my job that I needed time to go home and reset, I was going through a lot and I needed to prioritize my mental health. My job was going through a huge transition at the time and everything was at a standstill so things were pretty quiet, so it seemed like the best time for a reset.

I went home for two weeks to rest and reset, I started back going to weekly therapy, and started my journey towards healing and self compassion. My mom came back to Atlanta with me because I didn’t feel comfortable being alone yet. The first week back, my boss told me they were letting me go. I was too hurt and stunned to even react. For two years I went above and beyond. I worked evenings and weekends. I did about 5 jobs for the price of 1 and rarely complained. I was paid half the salary of other co-workers, even though I did more work. I was passionate. I was always receiving high praise for my job performance. I gave my all to this job, how could they just let me go? My self-worth plummeted.

There’s a big push to prioritize your mental health, but that doesn’t always mean people will be understanding if you do. If I stayed in Atlanta and didn’t go home for two weeks, I’m not sure if I’d be alive to type this today. So I don’t regret my decision at all, but at the time…I blamed myself. I felt like if I had been stronger, in a better space mentally, better equipped to deal with life’s disappointments, I wouldn’t have lost my job. I felt ashamed. I had never been laid off from a job before. They told me it was “restructuring”, but then they gave me job to my direct report, so I knew it was personal. What was wrong with me? Why wasn’t I good enough? Why did I keep losing everything that mattered to me? What did I do to deserve this?

I feel like when bad things happen, we always get so hard on ourselves. We blame ourselves. If someone mistreated us, it must be our fault. I believe in being self-reflective so I always look inward before blaming others, but sometimes that self reflection turns into self deprecating. I was amazing at my job. I didn’t deserve to be let go, but it happened. But it took a long time to view it through that lens. I was so angry with myself for being depressed. I felt like it made me weak and it was not my character. Depression has never heavily effected every area of my life before and I didn’t understand it and it didn’t seem fair. I was ashamed and I carried that shame and guilt for months.

Battling my mind was probably the hardest battle I had ever endured. I went weeks without really eating and months without sleeping. I cried every five minutes. My depression kept me up at night. I was afraid to move on to a new day, because I wasn’t sure what new terrors would await me. I was trying to heal from a broken heart, find a new job, deal with sick loved ones, rebuild my friendships, and learn to be kind to myself and love myself again. My whole identify was attached to what I did and who I was with. Without this job and without this relationship, I had to ask myself…who am I?!

I had always been an independent and strong minded person. But being depressed completely changed that. It made me afraid to be alone and it caused my thoughts to kick into overdrive, suddenly my fears just played in my mind over and over on repeat. It was hard to remain present because my mind kept replaying the past and all of my mistakes and made me feel more and more shame, while also contemplating the future and making me believe things would never work out, they’d never get better, they’d never change. It felt like I was trapped inside my mind and no matter what I did, I couldn’t escape the pain.

Ephesians 6:12- For we are not fighting against flesh-and-blood enemies, but against evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world, against mighty powers in this dark world, and against evil spirits in the heavenly places.
1 Peter 5: 9-11- Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. 9 Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that the family of believers throughout the world is undergoing the same kind of sufferings. 10 And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast. 11 To him be the power for ever and ever. Amen.

A Shift is Happening

As hard as it was to just exist day to day, I’m so grateful that God did not leave me in that space. Instead of just talking to God, I started pouring into His word, so that I could hear him talk to me. It helped to begin to see myself the way God sees me, to find my worth in him. I started doing 2-3 devotionals via the Bible app every day, and then I would read scriptures, pray and mediate for an hour every morning. One hour turned to 2 hours. 2 hours turned into multiple times throughout the day. Suddenly, every time an intrusive thought arose, I would respond to that thought with a bible verse. I began to speak to my depressive thoughts through the power of God, and things began to slowly shift for me.

2 Corinthians 10:5- We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.
Philippians 4:8- Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.

I couldn’t see the progress at the time, but slowly things started falling back into place. I started getting my appetite back and was able to sleep through the night again. Slowly friendships started coming back to my life and blossoming. People would reach out and ask if I was okay, they’d share that they just had a feeling and wanted to check on me. That was all God. And I suddenly felt empowered to admit, “I’m not okay.” Admitting that I was struggling and letting go of trying to maintain this façade like I was holding it together, gave me a new level of freedom. I wasn’t okay, but I wanted to be.

I started doing more and more therapy sessions, I started doing positive affirmations every 30 minutes throughout the day, I got back into yoga and found peace through breath work and mindfulness, I started journaling more intentionally , and I allowed myself time to grieve the life I thought I was supposed to have and sit in acceptance with where life had brought me. The beauty about the wilderness is that you have more time to spend with God when all of the distractions are gone. This season of solitude forced me to slow down and to start talking to God and start listening to God. It allowed me to sit with myself and understand my trauma, heal harmful patterns of behavior, notice my triggers, and soothe the pain I had been carrying. Grief and trauma are absolutely awful, no one wants to experience heart ache. But usually, when we are the most broken, that’s when we are closest to God. For whatever reason, we don’t talk to God with the same intensity and consistency on the mountaintop as we do in the valley. In the valley we cry out to God and we take the time to listen to God and we want to be healed, and are more willing to be changed.

In the wilderness we know God intimately. God sees the desires of our hearts and makes sure that our desires come from him. He molds us and tests us and stretches us to make sure we aren’t lacking anything.

James 1:2-4 - Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.

The wilderness is uncomfortable. Because you don’t see any fruit, you don’t see the miracle. You can’t always feel the shift. But in the wilderness God is making sure that you are prepared for his promises. It may storm for 40 days and 40 nights, you may be lost for 40 years…but 41 WILL come. It won’t always be like this. But you have to dig your feet in deep and remain rooted in faith and know that God is turning everything around and working it out for your good. Faith and perseverance are grown and strengthened in the wilderness. Character is developed in the wilderness.

Lessons Learned

And character development HURTS. It doesn’t feel good. I felt so much embarrassment and shame when I realized the things God was revealing to me about my heart and my character. But you cannot hide from God like you can with your loved ones. He sees the trauma you carry, he sees the heaviness and the darkness. But he loves us enough to test us and perfect us and mold us in his image. If I hadn’t had this wilderness season, I may have never had the opportunity to address my traumas and heal them, I may not have taken the time to work on my mental health, I may not have taken time to figure out my identify and self-worth, I may have gone through life continuing to put unrealistic expectations and pressures on myself and breaking and crumbling, or attaching my worth to people and places. But God loved me enough to want a better and brighter future for me. So that meant I had to endure some tough times and dry seasons to get to where he wanted me to be. I had to endure some heartaches and grief and cry many many tears so that my heart would be softened and God could transform me into the woman he’s called me to be. And it meant that I had to hold on to God’s word and his promises when I couldn’t always see his hand.

Who will you become if you don’t quit? What’s on the other side on your breakthrough if you keep the faith?

Who we become, when we don’t quit and we trust God to carry us…is worth it. There were many times where I got close to a breakthrough. I narrowly missed out on my dream job or I was super close to seeing my hearts desire come true, and I thought if I could just get this one thing, I would feel healed. But material blessings and answered prayers aren’t always the key to reaching Gods promises. That job or that person can’t cure your depression or your anxiety or make you feel like the attacks have slowed or stopped. The battle we are fighting in the wilderness is spiritual. So we can’t look at our breakthrough with our flesh. For me, the breakthrough happened when life began to feel light for me again. I was still grieving my relationship and applying for jobs, but I had taken control of the intrusive thoughts and depression and gained the ability to speak to the giants in my life and defeat my demons with the power of my God. And the moment I finally surrendered and stopped trying to control everything, the job search began to fall into place. And I knew that God would keep his promises to me, and everything else would begin to fall into place too.

Galatians 6:9 Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.
Genesis 50:20 You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives.
Luke 1:45 Blessed is she who has believed that the Lord would fulfill his promises to her!

But I want you to know, no matter how much faith you have, it is NOT easy to pick yourself up and pull yourself out of a dark place. It may take 5 months, it may take 5 years. But it is not your job to rush your healing or to try to fast forward into the next season. There is a time everything under the sun, and God is not late- we are just impatient. The wilderness is not pleasant. At times it seems cruel and unfair. When I think about how much I wanted to die, I feel so much shame and embarrassment. When I think about how badly I dropped the ball and couldn’t be the loving and kind person I believed myself to be, I feel anger. I was so angry and hurt that my depression took so much from me. That I wasn’t stronger. That I couldn’t speak to the mountains in my life with more confidence without being shaken, without breaking. I held myself to such a high standard, and I felt disappointed in myself. I often felt like I let myself down and I felt like I let down the people that needed me to be okay, to be soft, and kind, and happy, and supportive. I felt like my depression turned me into someone I didn’t recognize. And looking at myself and what I’ve been through hurts, because I hate that this is part of my journey. But, “that which harms, often heals” Now, I’m able to feel pride when I look back at my journey. Because I understand what it’s like to hit rock bottom, and how much work, prayer, and patience it takes to recover. It feels incredible to see the growth and progress I’ve made. To pass tests that I previously failed. To be in an unpleasant experience and not feel broken. I needed this experience to truly heal and find wholeness. I lost a lot, but I gained so much more. I no longer feel shame when I think about the person I was at my lowest, because those low moments propelled me into my destiny. They prepared me for the blessings I’m getting ready to step into.

2 Corinthians 5:17- Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here!

2 Corinthians 12:9 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.
1 Thessalonians 5:18- Give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.
Hebrews 12: 11 No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.

If you are still reading this very long blog and you may be struggling, I hope you find the courage to open up to someone else and ask for help. When I hid my depression and pretended to be okay, my intrusive thoughts felt a lot more real. I believed that no one cared, but it was only because no one knew. It’s okay to not be okay, and you’re not weak because you need help. God is always with you and he will provide people that will stick by your side and see you through this difficult season. Make sure to cherish those people and don’t take them for granted. And know that faith without works is dead, yes God can work it out, but sometimes he sends additional help to see you through, like a therapist. I had to learn the hard way that therapy is not supposed to be used in extreme cases only, and it’s very helpful to do preventative maintenance on your mental health.

I’m not sure how long my wilderness season will last. I am absolutely exhausted, but I learned that I am not a quitter. I get weary, but I won’t stop. I will keep pressing forward and putting my hope in God and trusting him to see me through this journey. Because I’ve experienced the mountaintop. I’ve seen that it’s possible to experience the desires of my heart. And I believe there’s a season for it all. Right now happens to be my season of sowing, but I know that I am preparing for the harvest and the good things that are to come. I am thankful for this season and all that it has blessed me with.

If you are going through a similar season, I would love to pray for you. Feel free to leave a comment or send me a message. All of us will eventually experience a season in the wilderness because this world is full of heartache and life rarely goes as planned, but you have the choice to grow through what you’re going through, if you don’t give up. There is gold in your grief and there is a purpose for every season. I pray that God will lead you every step of the way, I pray that you allow him to develop your character and shape your heart. I pray that you have peace in your heart and know that God is bigger than any problems or worries you may have. I pray that you won’t allow the weight and pain of this world to crush you. I pray that God will transform your heart and help you to see yourself through his eyes. I pray that you cast all your cares and worries onto God and take up his yoke, because it is easy and light. Life is hard, but you are strong and can do all things through Christ who gives you strength.

Hebrews 10:36 You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what he has promised.

Psalms 55:22 Cast your cares on the Lord and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous be shaken.

Isaiah 61:7 Instead of your shame you will receive a double portion,
and instead of disgrace you will rejoice in your inheritance.
And so you will inherit a double portion in your land, and everlasting joy will be yours.
John 16:33 “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”