One of the most important lessons of my 20s

Originally Posted: August 2019

I was listening to Oprah’s Super Soul Conversations Podcast and the episode was all about “The Best Relationship Advice”. I have not been the best at choosing quality romantic partners, so I was all the way tuned in and ready to learn something. Oprah snatched my breath with this quote:

“ When someone shows you who they are, believe them THE FIRST TIME”

This famous quote by Maya Angelou continued on to say, “And when someone TELLS you who they are, you better believe them”

I have heard this quote so many times…but I never heard the second part. And it resonated so much with me, because I know you should believe someone when they show you who they are…but it hits differently when they TELL YOU.

Is this a safe space? I’m going to be vulnerable for a second.

I have a habit of dating guys that will say things like: I’m selfish, I’m immature, I’m not ready to commit, I can be rude, arrogant, or mean…

And I’ll think to myself, “he’s saying that…but he won’t be that way with me.” So, immediately, I see him as a project. I’m trying to change him, fix him, save him. Because I think everyone can be saved. But what I’ve realized is that when someone TELLS you these negative things about themselves in the beginning, they don’t want to be fixed or changed. They are complacent in their BS and they don’t find it a problem. What they are really doing, is a temperature check. To see if you’re okay with their BS, and how much of it you’re willing to take.

And when you get tired of that toxic behavior, the arrogance or selfishness, or laziness, he will turn right back around and say “ Well…I told you I was selfish. I told you I wasn’t looking to commit. I told you in the beginning I can be rude…” And as much as we want to blame them for their poor character, we can’t. Because they did tell us, and we chose to accept it or not believe it.

But sometimes, myself included, we aren’t moved by words. We think “Okay, he says he’s selfish…but I bet that’s not true.” So then he shows us with his actions.

He shows us when he doesn’t follow through on his commitments, when he doesn’t do the things he says he’s going to do. When he says he’s going to call or text, but doesn’t. When he says he’s going to read your article or attend your concert or take you out…and doesn’t. Those are all signs! And you have to ask yourself, and be as honest as possible…when you’re waiting on him to do the things he said he would do, but doesn’t…why would you trust him?

Oprah tells listeners to “pay attention to your life in such a way that you can hear what the message is, and what’s underneath the message. And when you see it…believe it the first time.”

Now, this is where I really struggle. I see it, the first time, and I give it a second time, and a third time, and a fourth…because maybe this isn’t who they are and they deserve another chance.

Stop making excuses for poor character and believe people the first time.

Hold yourself accountable. People may not reveal their big issue, but they will reveal red flags and warning signs. There is ALWAYS smoke before the fire. And when you realize the issue, be okay with walking away, right away. Personally, I have a habit of bringing up people’s issues to try to get them to change. And they’ll say “Oh yeah, I know I need to work on ____________.” But, acknowledging the issue is not changing it. Unless they say, “This isn’t the kind of person I want to be, thank you for sharing that with me” and actively work to change their behavior, you need to let them go. Because they have to see it and want it for themselves.

The lesson isn’t for you to try to change them, it’s so you can say “I see what this is and I don’t want this for myself. This does not serve me or edify me. Goodbye”

I’m going to drag myself again for a little, because this is supposed to be a safe space. A lot of times, after seeing SEVERAL warning signs…I’ll tell myself , “Give him a chance. He’s so nice. He’s handsome. He’s got a great job. He cares about making a difference.” And all of those things are poor excuses based on his POTENTIAL.

A man’s potential should not be what keeps you tethered to a dead situation.

When someone shows you who they are, currently, that’s the universe/God giving you permission to walk away.

Use this realization to empower you to let go of the bad energy, so you can attract the right energy-that you deserve in your life.

If you are surrounded by people that bring down your energy, that take from you and drain you, you won’t be able to reach your full potential. How crazy is that, that you could miss living up to your potential, because you’re willing to sacrifice your joy and your peace and your light…for someone else’s potential?

Towards the end of the podcast…Oprah interviewed Iyanla Vanzant and the conversation went like this:

Iyanla: People see men coming with warning signs in the middle of their foreheads and we think we can fix them. When you see crazy coming, cross the street! Why do we think love fixed? We go into loving relationships trying to fix someone. Love is so real. It’s already patient, kind, and enduring. You don’t have to do nothing to love. When you go into love trying to fix someone, that’s lust.

The greatest relationship advice and the most important lesson of my 20s (so far): When people show you who they are, understand the truth of them. Believe them. Don’t expect them to be anything other than exactly who they are. Don’t waste your time trying to change them. Move on.

Do not let yourself be surrounded by people who will peck you to death like a duck. If you allow yourself to be around people who show you who they are and you refuse to believe it, each time they enter your space…they will take a little piece of your soul. It’s little pieces of energy that get pulled away and pulled away and pulled away. So much so, that by the end of your encounter with them, you’re less than who you are meant to be. - Maya Angelou