5 Years After Losing my Dad: 11 Lessons on Loss and Grief
Grief is really weird because it hits at the most random moments. One moment you’re completely fine and the next moment you’re crying non-stop. Grief also makes certain days harder than others. Today marks five years since I lost my dad to cancer…5 years and I can’t say it’s any easier. The pain isn’t as constant, I don’t feel it most days…but every January….I break down and I pull away and I cry and I try to find myself. January sucks, to be quite honest. It will always be the month I lost my dad and my whole life changed.
January is hard because every day leading up to the 16th puts me on edge. Because five years ago every day felt like a normal day, until THE day arrived and I couldn’t believe it was happening. I often wonder, why didn’t I feel the shift before? Why was I so focused on myself and my small problems that I didn’t notice there was a huge possibility that I was losing my dad? I still struggle with feelings of guilt. This post is not meant to be a thesis on grief, I’m definitely not the spokesperson for losing a parent…and I know that grief is different for everyone.
This post is just a way to help me heal and be open to the pain that I still feel. Usually I try not to think about losing my dad. I absolutely hate talking about it, I am terrible at comforting other’s when they experience loss (because I hate reliving these feelings), and I don’t want anyone reading this to think I know how they’re feeling and how I coped is how they should cope too. I just want to share some lessons I’ve learned through my loss as I’ve tried to heal over the years and hopefully it’s relatable or helpful to someone else dealing with grief/loss.
Life is short
My dad told me in November 2014 that he had lung cancer, by January 2015…he was an angel and my life would never be the same again. We spent Thanksgiving 2014 together, but I wish we spent Christmas and New Year’s Eve together too. I wish we spent every day together. I was working my first job after college that year (a job that made me incredibly miserable and broke my spirit daily) and I felt SO obligated to continue working that I didn’t take the time to be with my dad. I could have taken a leave of absence or even quit. Because jobs will always be there, people you love will not. I’ve learned to put love first. It’s the most important thing, because it’s everlasting. I’ve also learned that life changes in the blink of an eye. You never know when tragedy will strike. It’s important to make every moment count and treasure people while you still have the chance. Don’t take anything for granted because you will never get these moments again.
Don’t be afraid to take risks
After I lost my dad, I was so afraid to get close to anyone again. (This was also the same time I broke up with the guy I thought I was going to marry). I didn’t date for YEARS after losing my dad because I was SO afraid that I would get close to someone and I’d lose them. I was even afraid to bond and get too attached to my mom after that, because I thought it would hurt that much more if I lost her too. But it is SO much better to love and lose, than to never love at all. I’m so grateful for the memories I make with my family and friends and I know that I will always have those memories to cling to, instead of avoiding them so I don’t feel as hurt if I lose them. It’s also important to do the things that scare you. Do the things you’ve always dreamed about. Because you only get one life, and you don’t want to wake up one day and realize you spent your whole life dreaming, but never did the work or took the leap to make your dreams come true.
It’s okay to not be okay
When I lost my dad, I suffered with depression. I’m not sure if anyone noticed, but there were some days that I woke up and I wished that I didn’t. Living felt too painful, and I’d rather not feel my heart breaking. It felt like as soon as I opened my eyes, I was overwhelmed with grief…and I wanted to avoid that. I tried to sleep all day, so I didn’t have to spend time awake. I blew off plans with friends, I eliminated conversations with my family, I was sad all the time. But I needed that time to be sad, to feel the pain completely, to drown in my emotions. I needed to let it out and cry…so that I could move towards healing.
Hold on to your faith (Or find it again)
Between the time my dad was diagnosed and the time he passed away, I spent every single day believing for a miracle. I knew God would heal my dad and that was going to be my testimony. I knew cancer wouldn’t win…except…it did. My whole belief system was rocked. Everything that I was trusting in God to not happen…happened. Were my prayers not being answered? Why would God allow me to suffer like this? Why would he take my dad away when I was such a good and faithful servant? I prayed daily, I went to church, I served in ministry, I was kind and loving to everyone (even those I didn’t believe deserved it). How could God do that to me, after everything good I did for him? I was SO angry with him and I had nothing but a mustard seed of faith left in him. But, I clung to that tinyyyyyyyyyyyyy seed of hope…and I read scriptures over and over again. I posted them on sticky notes all around the house. I had to remind myself that sometimes bad things happen to good people. Sometimes God doesn’t answer our prayers in the way we are expecting. Sometimes God allows hurtful things to happen, but we truly have to trust that even the very worst things…work for our good. These were the scriptures that I would read to myself in the mirror daily…until my faith was strong enough again to have a healthy relationship with God.
Psalm 34:18 The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.
Isaiah 61:3 To all who mourn in Israel, he will give a crown of beauty for ashes, a joyous blessing instead of mourning, festive praise instead of despair. In their righteousness, they will be like great oaks that the Lord has planted for his own glory.
Every day I told myself that God would bring me beauty for all the pain I felt and he would not bring me sorrow without great joy. I told myself that God had a beautiful plan for my life even though I couldn’t see it or feel it in the moment, I talked to God daily, even though I was angry about it, until the anger subsided and I truly was able to believe again that his word was true. God was the ONLY reason i was able to make it through. It’s okay for your faith to waver, but never let it go.
Hobbies are healing
Shortly after my dad passed away, I needed to find something that would keep me busy and wouldn’t allow tons of idle time to sulk in my pain. I began making jewelry. It was something that I absolutely loved, and I would come home every day after work and create beautiful pieces. I spent hours reading books to learn new techniques and watch Youtube videos that helped grow my skill set. I started going to Yoga regularly, so that I could practice being mindful. I started mentoring at my church, because it felt better to think about other people than to think about myself. I even started writing more journal entries (which eventually led to this blog). It was important that I didn’t let grief consume me and become my identity. Experiencing a loss that big changes you. It’s important that you take time exploring this new person that you’re becoming and choose things that will make you (and your lost loved one) proud of who you are becoming.
You never know what someone else is going through
When I was on the plane to Florida…I was heading to remove my dad from life support and say goodbye to him for the last time. I was absolutely devastated, and spent most of the time on the plane trying not to sob uncontrollably. It was a very somber experience. But, the guy next to me didn’t know that. He insisted on asking me to smile and trying to make small talk…he had no idea my dad was dying and I was contemplating that these were the last hours he would be on this earth. This taught me the importance of NEVER assuming anything about anyone because you NEVER know what someone else is going through…so it’s important to be kind to everyone. (This I need to be reminded of sometimes)
Time really does heal
Obviously, time doesn’t eliminate sadness. I’ve cried several times just from typing all of this. Loss will always hurt in some degree, but it doesn’t hurt as much. I’m still sad, I’m still heartbroken. I still feel like a piece of me is missing…but I don’t feel like this all the time anymore. Now I only cry a few times a year. But, it took time to get to this point. It also takes time to accept that you’ve lost someone.
Guilt is normal
After I spent Thanksgiving with my dad, I realized just how sick he really was. I spent most of December researching assisted living facilities, but before that…I was trying to plan out how I could financially afford to relocate to FL on less than 30K a year…to take care of my dad. I felt angry because at 23, I felt like I was just beginning my life…I didn’t want to sacrifice my 20s to take care of my parent’s…I felt like there would be time for that in my 40s or 50s. And then I felt so GUILTY for having that thought after my dad passed away. We are not perfect though and have to give ourselves grace for having selfish thoughts, or arguing with a parent before they passed, or even the feeling of relief when they do. (Not because you want them gone, but because the burden of care taking has been lifted). It’s a horrible feeling to have, and it’s a horrible feeling to admit that you have…but it is very normal.
Anger is normal
Shortly after my dad passed, I was angry with everyone. I was mad at my friends because after a few initial texts/calls to check on me, I didn’t really hear from them and I felt like they abandoned me. I was angry with my family because they rarely asked me how I was feeling, or asked about my dad. It felt like the world was moving on from losing my dad and I felt like I was the only one who still cared. I hated everyone, No one could say or do the right thing at the time. But, this is a normal part of the grief process too.
The “firsts” of everything SUCK
People tell you that Firsts are hard…but you don’t realize just how hard they are until they come. You’re prepared for the first birthday, Christmas, anniversary of their passing… to be hard. What you don’t realize is how hard all the other little things in between are. The first time I realized I could no longer call my dad. The first time I text his number and realized the phone company gave his number away to a random teenage girl. The first time I realized his Facebook was deactivated. The first time I saw a car commercial on TV of a dad watching his little girl graduate and get married. The first wedding I went to and watched a Father Daughter dance and realized I would never get that moment. It was all SO DANG HARD. SO SO HARD. And there’s really nothing that can prepare you for that. The Firsts are hard…but the Seconds aren’t as bad….the Thirds are less painful. Here I am approaching year Five and I feel like a pro (Something no one ever really wants to be).
Fear is normal
After losing my dad, I was TERRIFIED every time my mom left the house because I couldn’t stand the thought of something happening and losing her too. Every time she went to the doctor, my stomach would knot up. I felt the need to check up on her all the time, because I was SO afraid of losing her. Even still, I feel a big sense of fear take over any time my family drives down to visit me…because everyone I love is in one car…and I can’t bare the thought of losing them. Loss has made me fearful. Is that a good thing? Not at all. Is it normal? Yes! Loss changes you. It changes how you operate and how you think and feel about the people you love. It creates a spirit of fear that takes work to overcome, A scripture that I had to read and still do read frequently is this:
2 Timothy 1:7 For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.
Grief is different for everyone
Everyone grieves in their own way. Some people avoid talking about it. Some people are very open about it. Some people cry daily. Some people don’t cry at all. Not crying all the time or not being sad, doesn’t make you weird or any less loving/passionate than someone who is very emotional. I was the first friend in my circle to lose a parent. Unfortunately as we get older, more friends have experienced the loss of a parent. For some friends, they are very vocal about their loss. For others, they don’t talk about it at all. For some people, when your parent is sick for a long time…it may allow you to start the grieving process early, so you’ve already moved through all the stages of grief when they actually do pass away. When that happens, you may strangely realize that you’re at peace. And that’s okay too.
I’ve learned that grief shows up in unsuspecting ways and at unsuspecting times. I’ve learned that life is short and time is precious. I’ve learned through extreme loss, that love is the most important thing. And finally, I’ve learned that eventually…everything really will be okay.
