Imposter Syndrome
Originally Posted: September 2019
So… Good news! I started a new job! Hooray! I should be totally excited right?! Wrong.
A little bit of background:
I’ve been teaching for the last five years. My dream has always been to be a leader in education, the “how”, has changed a lot over the years though. I thought about maybe being an instructional coach, so I worked for a summer coaching new teachers. Then I thought maybe I wanted to be a principal, but I kept being passed over for opportunities that would lead to that. Then I thought maybe I’d open my own school, but that takes a lot of time and a lot of money. So finally, and this will probably change again, I decided that I wanted to open an Early Learning Center- one that teaches children but also provides community/family resources.
But, in the meantime…I wanted to take an “Adult Gap Year”. Yep, you read that right. I had fully planned on taking a gap year from all adult responsibilities. I was completely burned out at work and wanted to do something fun with minimal effort while I went on a journey of self-discovery. I applied for about 50 jobs over the course of the spring and NO ONE called me back. I was definitely looking at God like “wyd Lord?”, but nevertheless, I persisted.
I applied for a job as the director of community engagement for a non-profit in Atlanta that’s working to transform communities for low-income residences. I didn’t feel qualified for this job AT ALL. Although, it had a lot of components that I was familiar with: Managing teachers, working with families, and planning events/activities for kids. There was a lot that I was inexperienced on: Managing/supervising adults, budgeting, grant writing, and accounting. I felt like I was in over my head, but I felt led to apply for it anyway. Within a matter of weeks I was hired, for a position I had no intention of taking, and I was sitting on the other side of the table interviewing candidates to hire for my team…a table that I was just on the other side of mere days ago.
I went from just asking for a seat at the table to the head of the table. I was the youngest person to do this role. I had no faith in myself, mostly due to being overlooked and undervalued for so long at my previous job, that I had no faith in my own abilities to successfully do this new gig.
God doesn’t call the qualified, he qualifies the called.
If God, has called you to a place-he will give you all the skills necessary to keep you at that place. I had to realize that this new role was a God sent opportunity to transform communities and fulfill my God given mission, my doubt was from the enemy. My doubt was trying to make me renege on God’s promises and turn my back on his blessings, because I was putting my faith in myself and not in God.
But it wasn’t just my lack of faith that was causing me to feel like an impostor.
Impostor syndrome is caused by:
A lack of self-confidence
Anxieties
Negative self-talk
Feelings of inadequacy
Dwelling on past mistakes
Low sense of self-worth
Feelings of isolation/not belonging
I felt MOST of these feelings on a daily. And for me, the hardest part, was that although I was carrying a lot of doubt in my leadership abilities from my previous role-I had an inflated sense of accomplishment because I saw the results I achieved in my classroom and considered myself to be “the best”. I went from being the best to the worst in a matter of days. The shock. I cried a lot out of frustration because I became use to being the best and suddenly I was bad at everything. Everything was new. I had no idea what I was doing. So, I began to feel like a fraud. What if they realize that I don’t know what I’m doing?! What if they realize I don’t really belong?!
Here’s how I overcame that:
I had to accept and realize that God called me to this place, and although I may be inexperienced, I can do all things through him, so I need to put my faith in his abilities and not my own.
First of all, who am I to think that I don’t belong? Another example of putting myself on a pedestal and thinking this has ANYTHING to do with me, when it absolutely does not. If God says I belong, if he is validating me, then that’s all I need.
Not that we are competent in ourselves to claim anything for ourselves, but our competence comes from God. NIV
We know we are not able in ourselves to do any of this work. God makes us able to do these things. NLV
2 Corinthians 3:5
That’s it. That’s the verse.
2. I had to remind myself that “No one is good at anything in the beginning”
Yeah, I was an amazing teacher after five years in the classroom. But it didn’t always start out that way. When I first started, I sucked. I had to remind myself that, I need to be willing to suck for a little bit. It’s the only way we grow and learn. And every day, I suck a little bit less. One day, I’ll be amazing at what I do again. But, we have to be willing to push our ego and pride to the side and accept that it’s okay to not be there…yet.
3. I had to zoom out.
I was so focused on the small details, that I wasn’t looking at the big picture. This opportunity is providing every single skill necessary to create my own opportunity in the future. They chose me because they saw something in me, even if I can’t see it in myself. And if I walk away from this opportunity because of fear, I’m doing a disservice to everyone coming after me that’s depending on me to learn and flourish, so that I can create an open door for them. I have no idea how many people this will bless outside of myself, so I have to push through.
4. I needed to share my feelings.
Because the truth is, most people feel like an impostor at some point. Sharing my feelings with others was freeing for me. It let me know that I’m not alone. Just because I feel a certain way about myself, doesn’t make it true. It helps to have a wise council of loved ones remind you who and whose you are.
5. Show myself some grace.
The hardest part about being the first or the youngest in a role, is the need to be perfect, as if you are representing your entire race/gender/generation. It’s a lot of pressure! I had to take the pressure off of myself. The easiest way for be to be kinder to myself, was to forgive myself. Allow myself to make mistakes. Allow myself to be imperfect. Henry Ford once said, “Failure is only the opportunity to begin again more intelligently.” Instead of tearing yourself down and over analyzing all the things you feel went wrong, take some time for introspection and reflect on how you can learn from this opportunity to improve the next time.
The truth is, it’s okay to feel fraudulent. But, just because you feel that way, doesn’t mean you are. You are exactly where you’re supposed to be. Extend the same kindness and love that you give to others to yourself and speak positive thoughts over your life. If you want to stop feeling like an impostor, stop thinking like one.